Ah, what a difference a night makes. After the lows of yesterday I found some caffeine for the evening, some sleep aid for the night, and put them both to good use. Slept through the night, and didn’t awake once.
I have a rewired apartment now, but Internet is slow in coming. I’ll probably not see it in-house before Sunday, but that matters not. I have backup plans, and I will use them.
Like last night. I headed off to Panara, had some soup and a sandwich, and settled in. And while there I was visited by my Muse. We talked and things were said, and in the end I walked away refreshed and ready to do things. Which, when I returned to The Undisclosed Location, resulted in writing.
I got back into Couples Dance, and I wrote, and kept writing, and when I was done I’d written 1,846 words, finished Chapter 6, and topped out the story at just over 17,500 words. When I add in the 900 words I’d written that morning, it was a good run for a day that started out so crappy.
While at Panara I was also able to listen to music. I go out to YouTube and fire up some videos and listen to a lot of things that were popular when I was younger, but I also listen to a few things from today. One of the ones I’ve listened to for a while is Shake it Out, by Florence + the Machine. Ever since hearing it many months before, I’ve found myself listening to this over and over, and with each rendition I’ve found it speaking to more with greater urgency.
Ultimately the song sounds like it’s about a fail relationship, and the need to move on. But when you listen to it over, and over, there is a complexity that allows it to create on an even deeper subtext.
To me, it’s all about regret. What you did before, the mistakes you made, all that you’ve done to reach the point you are now. As is sung in the opening stanza:
Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play
And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn.
The last few weeks have felt that way, that everything I’ve done was coming back to haunt me and remind me about all the things I’ve done wrong before this time. That happens a lot with me; I can’t seem to put things away. Just as is said here:
And I’ve been fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around
Our love is pastured, such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn
I never stop asking about why something happened as it did. My therapist told me that we should never dwell on the past, or on thing over which I have no control, but there is that nagging in the back of my head from time to time. I simply can’t help it. I know better, but I also ignore what I know.
But eventually you reach a point where you have to say, “Hell with it; it’s time”. And when it’s time, you need to take a big, scary step away from you comfort box:
And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark, at the end of my rope
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark aimed right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
But what the hell, I’m gonna let it happen to me, yeah
This is the way with my writing; you do it. You suffer. You do it again, and take a damn chance. In the end, what the hell do you have to lose? Rejection? Sure, you’ll get that. You do in everything in life. No one ever goes through the world completely loved and wanted. Sometimes you get kicked in the ass.
And when you do, dust yourself off and keep going. That’s what it’s all about. “What the hell; just let it happen,” because you’ll learn, and you’ll grow.
I left off the two lines that mean the most to me:
And it’s hard to dance with the devil on your back
And given half the chance, would I take any of it back
Yeah, there are some things I’d take back. I’d have been more true to myself. I’d have been more honest with my feelings. And I’d have worked with far greater diligence on my writing.
For as my Muse said, “You are good. You will sell.” And I want people to read. I want that all.
What the hell . . . I’ll just let it happen. It’s really that simple.
