Wide Awake but Dreaming

Slip into my thoughts and do watch your step

At Home With the Insane

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Lets get this out of the way right now:  I have mental illness.

I was in therapy at ten because I was lonely, frightened, depressed, and didn’t like the company of others.  Well, there were a few reasons leading to that, but part of my problem is that I was bi-polar.  My therapist then was starting to get to the root of things, then my parents pulled me out of there because, one, they didn’t see improvements, and two, they thought the woman who was working with me was putting “strange ideas” in my head.

Let me tell you, she didn’t have to:  there were plenty of strange ideas there already.

I had friends when I was in school, but not a lot.  I started smoking pot in 1972, and drinking a couple of years later.  These days the behavior is called “self medication”; back then it was just getting high.  And I did it quite a lot.  Mostly because it felt good, mostly because it kept whatever demons were chasing my ass away.  I had my books and I had my music, but I also had my “medication”.

There were some incidences of bullying in school, but nothing really physical.  It was all mental, all designed to wear you down and break you.  At the end of the day, when I walked home from school–because after a while I was afraid to take the bus, and I didn’t want to be with other kids–I’d sometimes find a moment, while alone in the woods, to cry a bit.  I did that often, and it bothered my parents when they saw it happen, so I only allowed myself the chance to do this when I was by myself, and there was no chance of being discovered.

There was a place where we used to get our drugs, and sometimes even our booze.  The home was owned by a husband and wife, with the husband’s brother living with them as well, and they seemed to be able to get their hands on just about any kind of drug you wanted.  For the most part I was interested in pot, but they let it be known that they could get their hands on just about anything . . .

And not just drugs, either.

There was one time when a friend and I stopped over to see them, to buy a bag, and the brother wanted to show me the latest acquisition–which were not drugs.  I didn’t get a full tally of what they had, but I do remember four M-16′s, a couple of boxes of grenades, and . . .

See, the story they were giving us was they’d knocked over a National Guard armory a few nights before, which may or may not have been true.   This was 1973, Vietnam was winding down, and who the hell knew what was being kept in some of these places?  In all likelihood they’d traded a lot of kilos of drugs for weapons, but since I knew these guys were a bit crazy themselves, it was just as likely they’d knocked over an armory.

But lets get to the payoff, the item hinted upon.  The brother opened up as case and said, “Hey, I got twenty kilos of C-4.  I’ll let you have it for $250:  I’ll even throw in the detonators and det cord.”

So lets review:  a guy I knew was offering to sell me about forty-five pounds of high explosives, along with the means to use it, all for $250.  Which I happened to have.

I said no, because . . . well, what was I going to do with twenty kilos of C-4?

Let me also state this:  I was very smart and very imaginative back then.  I was also pissed off and scared and upset a lot as well, and for a few weeks after that incident my fevered little mind thought up all sorts of shit that I could have done with that sort of stash.  The only reason I didn’t?  Stephen King put into words many years later:  “If you take yourself out, you’re a hero.  If you take out others when you take yourself out, you’re chickenshit.”  I hated myself, and a few other people, and if I really wanted to get back at those I hated, I’d get after them, and that would be that.  Anyone else who’d get caught in your madness would just notch you a little higher on the Chickenshit of the Year list.

I won’t say the thoughts of revenge and getting evenness vanished after that time.  Oh, no.  They aren’t there as much any more, but they still show up from time to time.  These days I chalk up thoughts like that as “Research”, because you never know when you’ll need to know, like I did in 1991, how to bring down a very tall office building–say, 125 to 150 stories–with everyone inside.  I spent a few days looking over the office building I worked in at the time, and understood that, if you have the right tools, it’s not that hard.

I did that because I needed a scene for a game I was running.

I don’t act upon any of these ideas–which are research, remember, because I do write; you should see the really bad ones–because I’m not that crazy.  I’m bi-polar, but I can tell the difference between right and wrong, and as ignorant as I have believed most of my co-workers to be from time to time, I’d never do something that would eventually see me labeled as a “disgruntled worker”.  (Does this mean there’s a grunted worker?)  As an atheist I long ago created my moral compass, and have worked at doing the right things because they are right.

Taking out others just because you’re nuts and pissed off at the world is the wrong thing to do.

Probably is, a lot of people don’t have the same moral clarity as I.

If you are mentally ill, getting help is damn near impossible in the U.S..  You are stigmatized because you have a “problem” that you can’t “handle”, and if you just “sucked it up”, you’ll work through it.  That was what I was taught as a kid; it was bullshit then, and it’s bullshit now.  It is easier to get access to treatment these days, particularly if you work for a large company, but that’s only come about after more than a few large companies have had their offices shot up by disgruntled workers, and they’d had to go through the hassle of hiring new people.

That was how I got treatment.  The company I was working for had a program, and I basically had to tell my manager I was loosing my shit, and bad things were going to happen if I didn’t get help.  They told me to call the help line to set something up, and then let me go home for the day.  Let me repeat that:  I professed to suicidal behavior, and they had me call a help line, and then sent me home.  Now, I did get in to see a counselor a few days later, and while she was a great person, she couldn’t get me medication.  The only person who could do that was a psychiatrist, but it might be weeks before I could get in and see one of those.  She told me the easiest thing to do was go to the local ER, tell them I was suicidal, then have myself checked into a facility for forty-eight hours–at which point I could get on meds.  Oh, and lets point out:  she couldn’t commit, even with my permission.  I had to do it myself.

That was how I was able to get on medication to help me with my bi-polar disorder, and all it really took was . . . maybe two weeks of speaking to, or seeing, different people.

Good thing I wasn’t having any serious problems.

You wanna have a discussion?  Lets talk about why we have the worst system for mental health this side of the old Soviet Union.  Lets talk about why if you need help, it’s a culture of “Go see them; I can’t do anymore for you”.  Lets talk about why people are vilified and made to think they are even worse than they are if they profess to being sad, or depressed, or if they feel like they have no choice but to hurt themselves.  Lets talk about why we have so many people with mental health issues in the first place, brought about by stress, by over-work, by being made to feel that if they are LBGT they are scum and should probably die anyway.

Lets talk about why it is every time someone who is mentally unbalanced, who isn’t getting help, flips the hell right out and does something horrific, we act so surprised that something like that can happen here.  Lets talk about the idiots who, upon hearing about said horrific thing carried out by the mentally unbalanced, believe the one thing that will fix this problem is arming everyone . . .

Those of you who think that last is the end-all solution to everything, there’s this thing called “Cause and Effect”.  You fix the cause, the effect becomes diminished.  It does work.  Reaction to the effect does little good, because you didn’t prevent the effect from occurring.  That is what the kids these days call Epic Fail.

There needs to be dialog.  There needs to be discussion.  Without discussion there are no solutions.

Without solutions there is no future.

Author: Cassidy Frazee

There's a lot about me you'd probably like to know; if so, ask. You'll be surprised at some of the things I might tell you . . .

19 thoughts on “At Home With the Insane

  1. I totally get this and applaud you for writing it. I haven’t been through the same shit as you but have been through my own shit and I get it.

  2. It took real courage to write this and I admire you !! I am glad you got the help you need!

    • The problem is, it took a few decades and a couple of suicide attempts before it happened. There is far to my stigmatizing these days, and it’s something that’s been allowed to happen over and over.

  3. I also wanted to say that the suggestions and solutions that you suggest are deeply needed in our society! Thank you

  4. Reblogged this on regan5 and commented:
    Got a break in my really busy schedule as if late. This is so worth sharing.

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I haven’t gone through this struggle myself, but I have several friends who have. I fully agree about the broken system, the stigma, and the dismissive attitude most people give many of these mental illnesses. The misconception is that they can be simply shrugged off, or ignored, or gritted through. Perhaps because a few people can successfully do so, it is assumed that anyone who can’t is just weak or being lazy. I’m glad you are getting help. There is nothing wrong with that, and I’m just sorry you had to suffer this long before you were able to. You deserve to be happy like the rest of us ‘sane’ people. Why shouldn’t you be? I hope your words will encourage others to do the same.

  6. I don’t know if this has something to do with what happened in Connecricut, but , I feel you’re a very strong person, very intelligent and deep, and I’m glad you found an outlet ….. writing.

    • Part of it is what happened yesterday. I’m liable to have more to say on the matter, but I felt this needed to be said, because it seems like no one is talking about the people out there who need help, and who turn against us in time when they don’t get it.

  7. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through all that, Cassidy. But props to you for being so strong. I’d have lost it long before.

  8. Reblogged this on Satin Sheet Diva's Blog and commented:
    Amazingly well written; hits on several important points.

  9. Honestly and sadly, I feel as if we missed the boat on discussing, on finding a solution. It sort of feels this time as if the wheels are too far along in their motion, and all we can do now is strap in and hope the imminent crash doesn’t kill us all.

  10. Thank-you so much for writing this one and sharing with us – such courage~!

  11. My mom says her mom passed down a great saying: “you can have all KINDS of ideas and thoughts. That doesn’t mean you have to let them stay and make a nest in your head.”

    I (as you know) have been absent from blogging lately. Lots of stuff going on. I was in the midst of having one of The MOST lovely days in my relationship with my Mom ever when I heard this news.

    I have a brother who has undiagnosed Asperger’s. Which by the way, Mom said some medical group came out this week and said there is no such thing and it is not autism. Hmmph. They should live with and love someone with this challenge.

    He was and is vilified, picked on, misunderstood and unfairly accused. It has been this way since the first day of kindergarten. I remember it well. Being very intuitive and one of the only people who could communicate with him, I sensed something was amiss. I was in the 2nd grade class just down the hall. I got up from my desk (I do not remember what my teacher said to me) and walked out the door. I stood there. Looking down the hall at my baby brother being chastised and reprimanded by the teacher for saying his alphabet TOO FAST. I was pulled back into he classroom and told to take my seat. That was not the last time I would be prohibited from advocating my brother.
    I am certain he too could have inflicted great harm upon many or few people in his life given the building rage that he must feel.

    The Calling that has been given to me in this life is to teach. I have learned of innumerous tools to help both the people that are typical to learn how to accept those who are not. I have learned of just as many to help those of us who are not typical accept those who are. I WANT SO MUCH to get the tools in the hands of as many people as I am able. Trouble is, for those who are Non-typical, many will not TRY the things I know about. Due to the personality trait of not trusting anyone else….AND With GOOD reason I might add…they find it hard to let go and be vulnerable to the energy flow, as it has failed them so many times in the past.
    Yeah, I got it…this is a blog on a comment…sorry :0)

    Oh and btw, believe me when I say…I too have this social awkwardness, this angst that makes me want to stay in most days. The knee jerk thoughts of how idiotic, unreasonable, illogical, and useless dealing with the general populace really is as a whole. The urge to just kick the crap out of the out-of-touch people who are so far gone they make matters worse by not treating everyone equally. Then I hear a LOUD vibrating voice telling me…you are beacon a light. You have to suck it up and disregard those urges. And as I have done that, I have been given new ways to make those important points with out just bluntly telling people they are completely out of whack and need to erase their entire programming of life. Or in other words “Get an effing grip you jicks!”

    FA-AAABBB-UUU-LOUS post Cassidy. Your loveliness permeates all that you think is dark in yourself. You are ready to give permission to let that go. It no longer serves your vibration and goals. I cannot WAIT to see you again! Merry, Merry!! Love, AmberLena.

  12. Reblogged this on The Amber Light's Blog and commented:
    This is a personal friend of mine. I admire the fact the she was able to put into words the thoughts that those of us who deal with mental illness on the varying levels. It is a difficult thing, living in this world. Especially for those of us who know that we as a whole race of Humans could do better, act better, be better. Blessings and The Best to everyone who tries to uplift the world.

  13. You are so Brave!! Iti s so true what you said about eh cause and effect!

  14. I work in health care and did an internship in a mental health facility. You couldn’t be more right about the bull. Epic fail doesn’t begin to cover it.

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