Yesterday was a bit of a day off for me in terms of writing. Not in the area of ideaing (is that really a word?) because I was thinking things over in my head a lot yesterday. Yeah, I never seemed to stop. I’m always doing stuff like that. Why? Hell, I got no idea. I write. I game. I have a lot of fantasies.
It’s just me.
I did spend some time yesterday talking with people I know online. I’ve spent most of my last 15 years dealing with people over the Intertubs, and it seems there are a lot more friends I have through my computer than I have in face-to-face dealings. And when you’re talking over the computer it seems people are more willing to open up than they would be if they were chatting in person.
The end result being is just as I tend to stab myself in the spleen and let it bleed all out over these pages, I get the same thing in return. And, not surprisingly, what I hear comes from women.
Why women? Because nearly all my online friends are women. Now, before you arch your eyebrows and go, “Oh, you sly dog!” ramp that shit down. Contrary to what some people have said (and the psycho bitch in question knows who she is) I don’t spend all my time finding ladies to cyber. I connect with them, and I connect very well. I do so because . . . well, not to ring my own bell, but I’m not a “guy’s guy”. I don’t get into guy shit; I don’t play the macho card. I’m fairly empathetic and, I dare say, my interests seem to fall in line with what women like more than what guys like. Trust me, this didn’t make growing up very easy: I was told by my parents I was “supremely disappointing” a lot, and my dad was always bemoaning the fact that I didn’t like fishing and hunting and sport and all the guy things.
Shit in my life happened, but this isn’t about me: move on.
I have a friend who I’ve been chatting with for a while. I consider them on of the best friends I have, and even though I’ve never met them in person I feel like when I speak with them they’re in the room with me. She’s been married a while and has kids and is a great mother; she’s bright and articulate; she’s the sort of person one would feel lucky to know–
And she’s got an asshole for a husband.
I hate it when great women get with asshole men–sure, there’s the opposite situation of great guys being stuck with women who are assholes or emotionally detached, but this isn’t about that. This is about guys who can’t see past their own interests and narrow-mindedness and realize they have someone very special right next to them, and they see fit to treat them worse than a dog.
My friend has had a few difficult pregnancies, and after the last one a comment was made by her husband that more or less drove her into a huge depression, one that she’s just pulling out of now. I’ve heard the story a couple of times, and each time I wanna take someone and slam their head into a wall until something breaks.
The sad fact is there isn’t a thing I can do but sit back and offer words and little else. It makes me hurt; it drills me right to the core to know that this person deals with this sort of crap daily, and they deal with it, just as I deal with my situations.
There is enough goddamn pain in the world without someone close to you having to heap on more.
I’ve had my own share of emotionally and mentally crippling affairs of the heart. My first wife was the worst: an emotionally manipulative individual who cared only for herself, who once admitted she only wanted someone to “take care” of her and that affection and love weren’t really important. I spent 13 years in that hell, and to this day it’s left me with the feeling that most of my 30’s were completely lost to me.
I wish there were a science fictiony way to find people who you connected to in a big way, emotionally and maybe even physically, at any point in your life, and find a way to send messages back through time to those people so they can meet up and strike out on life together. Sure, it’s still a crap shoot: the person you meet now may not be the person they were 15 years in the past, but shit, if you can find someone in this life now, why couldn’t you strike up the same sort of relationship then?
Sure, that’ll work. I’m just too much the romantic, I guess.
‘Cause I think everyone has the right person for them out there somewhere.
We just gotta keep looking.