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Decendancy

My celebration dinner was good, except there was no wine.  I’ll remedy that tonight when I stop off at the wine and spirits shop on the way home–there’s one right across the street from one of the government offices, what does that tell you?–and continue the celebration here.

Except . . . I hope I’m not as bored as I was last night.  You go a long stretch writing and then suddenly–Boom!  There’s nothing to do.  You quickly find yourself wondering if there is anything you can do that isn’t writing related–and in my case, usually not.

"I shouldn't think about writing, and I'm not gonna write.  What should I do?  Get my nails done?  They're done.  Wait, I could write about my characters

“I shouldn’t think about writing, and I’m not gonna write. What should I do? Get my nails done? They’re done. Wait, I could write about my characters getting their nails done–no, no writing!”

Talk about a pain in the ass.  When most of your activities consist of the things you want to take time away from doing, it doesn’t leave you with a lot of option for things to do.

Then again, there’s my dreams to keep me busy, and they must have been making up for lost time, because it was strange.

Part of my crazy dreams were dealing with abandonment.  I remember coming home and everyone was gone–only this was like me coming home from high school and discovering I’d been left behind.  So then I went out in search of a lost TARDIS–no, really–and found a couple, but not the one I was looking for.  And then I ran into my fourth grade teacher–

My experience in fourth grade was not a pleasant one.  Back then they’d tell you I was “having problems”, but mostly I was a troubled child.  Nine going on ten, not able to make friends, and confused to all hell and gone about what I was.  I was ten when I saw my first psychologist, because even by then my parents realized I was a complete mess.  I only saw her for a few months, but that’s another story . . .

My fourth grade teacher was something of a mess, too.  She liked to yell at people.  She liked to make fun of me in the class whenever I’d do something “wrong”, like start speaking for no reason, or go off on subjects that no one else knew, because I was pretty smart.  Forth grade was when the bullying really started on me, and I remember her sending me to the school nurse a few times because I wouldn’t stop crying and she didn’t know what to do with me.  Then again, she also smacked the hell out of me on the playground one day because she said I was acting “goofy” and I needed to stop.

I see her in my dream last night, and she asks if I know her.  I told her I did, and that I had her in fourth grade.  And she tells me, yes, she is the person I remember, but no, she never had me in fourth grade.  In fact, she was happy she never had me in fourth grade, because from what she’d heard I was a complete pain in the ass.

And no matter how much I protest that I was in her class, she continues saying no.  Eventually she dismisses me and walks off with a wave of her hand.

I’ve had this dream a few times before, and for some reason it bothers me.  Can’t tell you why, but it does.  It’s not that I need some affirmation from her, because I don’t:  that period of my life is way long and gone.

I guess it’s the dismissive way in which I’m told, “I’m glad I didn’t have you.”

I better edit something tonight, because there’s no telling what might show up in my dreams later.

13 thoughts on “Decendancy

  1. I struggle as well, when I’m not doing writing not to at least think of it or do something related to it 😀

    That sounds like a pretty weird dream, no wonder you’re a bit disturbed by it. I have a bad memory so don’t tend to dream about things from my past, thankfully!

    • I’ve had dreams like this come up and continue again and again for a while. There was one I had which, when I finally thought of a story to wrap around it, stopped. But this one–it was somewhat disturbing. The whole theme of my dreams last night seemed to be about dismissal.

  2. Great post, Cassidy- very personal and brave. I think your dream has earned you a bottle of wine for sure. I think that teacher is showing up and saying that to nudge you toward closing the door on those memories. It’s like she has erased them so you should too. I have people in my past that pop up in my subconscious, people who made me doubt my worth. I would love to yell, hey remember me? Look how I turned out despite you! Sadly I know they probably don’t even remember me. The influence they had on me was something I allowed them to have and they probably never gave it a second thought. You can’t pretend those days never happened because they helped form you today, but you can close the door and not give them the power to negatively effect you now!! Sending hugs!

  3. Forgiveness is for YOU, not them…U learn to move on. Memories are crystal stored video/audio frequencies and removed with meditation, not booze. But thank you for your candor.
    amaezed.wordpress.com

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