The last thirty-six hours have been presented me with a real challenge: how does one write when they aren’t there mentally?
It’s a strange feeling, let me tell you, but this whole weeks has been a bit of a writing bummer. I’ve been managing five hundred words here, six hundred there, and while I was able to manage nearly twelve hundred on Wednesday night–which really is my night to shine–last night I managed only two hundred twenty-two, and I struggled the whole while I put that out. Part of the reason was eating way more than I should have: for some reason I was in the mood to pig out, and I overdid the carbs something spectacular. That didn’t help at all.
Another reason is I’m tired. I was up at four in the morning Friday, and last night I was up and down the whole evening, finally giving up the struggle to crawl out of bed about four-twenty and sit in my leather easy chair until about five, at which point I figured it was time to start getting ready for the long day ahead.
Why the trouble sleeping? I’ve a few troubles going on: there’s a friend I’m concerned about, and in another week I’m moving on from my old life and into the new one as I finally come out at work. Nothing really major here, but it all adds up after a while and starts playing on your mind. Particularly the coming out thing at work: I’ve finally pulled the trigger on that matter, and though I’ve known it was going to happen one day, it doesn’t mean that I’m not finally getting a case of nerves over the fact that people I’ve worked with for a year and a half are now gonna deal with the New Girl in the Office.
I’m also recognizing that the end of the novel is near, and I know this is gonna sound strange, but this time, I really don’t want it all to end. Yes, it’s been a huge part of my life–sixteen months by the time I finally put it to bed–and it’s not only hard to say goodbye to these kids of mine, but there’s the realization that I don’t know when I’m going to revisit them. There is a need to get out some other stories, and that will take me away from Salem and my Baby Snakes.
I have to finish this story. And in a way, like them, I know they’re going to be real sadness when that happens. I even had one of the lines I want to write for them in my head not long after I woke up–which followed, incidentally, a lyric from Wichita Lineman, “And I need you more than want you; and I want you for all time–” which was in my head as I opened my eyes this morning. Those kids: they won’t let me sleep.
A smoothie later and I’m finally waking up. There is shopping ahead of me today, and I hope to get back into the story tonight after I return from my long afternoon trek. Being out trying on clothes I’ll use for work should go a long ways towards waking me up.
Let’s hope the drive home doesn’t make me sad as I revisit the story once more . . .