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It’s My Party…

Well, that didn’t turn out the way I expected.

Needless to say things did not go as I had wanted.  By about eleven thirty I knew what was going to happen, so I left the party I was at and walked home.  I didn’t cry walking home: I was already cried out by that time.  I pretty much knew what to expect when I woke up, but what I didn’t expect was the state that I worked so hard to keep blue had flipped in the middle of the night.  Yeah, that’s not a good feeling.

So I’m sure there’s going to be a lot of people who are thinking this is going to be the bees knees and things are going to get back to the way they used to be.  And that’s what really bothers me: things will get back to the way they used to be.  I’m old enough to remember how they used to be–and they weren’t all that fucking great.  Particularly if you aren’t white, male, or Christian.  Well, at least I have one of those properties covered…

I don’t have any answers.  I know a lot of people are going to try to frame this as the common man doing away with the political establishment.  What is really going to turn into is a lot of hate, a lot of misery, and a lot of turning back the clocks to get rid of things that some of us fought for fifty years to put into place.  It really makes it hard to be optimistic about the future when you think about this, because to me, this is really nothing more than the last grasp of the Angry White Man trying to get back what he felt was his.  And now that it seems that they’ve got it, shit is likely to get real dark in the next few years as they struggle to hold on to it.

Are we going to see a rise of the protests we had in the 1960s?  Going up against the newly militarized police that we have, these could turn into real bloodbaths.  I don’t know if that’s going to happen: too many people have gotten use to hashtagging their protest because it’s a hell of a lot easier to do while you’re sipping a latte at Starbucks.  I missed out on all the protest of the 1960s and 70s, but I damn sure remember them.  I remember people getting shot; I remember people getting teargased.  I’m not sure if this generation’s up for that sort of thing and I know my generation’s too goddamned old for that.  But who knows: maybe I still have something left in me.  Maybe, at my age, with my suicidal impulses, I won’t give a shit if I get shot protesting for rights I shouldn’t have to protest anymore.

This was supposed be a happy day for me.  Today was one year ago that I changed both my name and my gender marker.  I was really looking forward to the future living out my life as the person I’m supposed to be.  Today, who the hell knows?  I know I’ll make it until my daughter’s graduation, because I want to see her graduate.  After that, though?  We’ll see.  I’ll see if it’s worthwhile going on.

They say it’s darkest before the dawn, but I think this because a lot of people have things turned around due to getting off of Daylight Savings Time.

Right now everything seems dark to me.


18 thoughts on “It’s My Party…

  1. All the feels this morning. Hugs to you, sweetie. xxx

    Oh, and before you bail for Europe remember that Austria damn near elected a fascist president earlier this year, and the UK had dumbass voters falling for populist rhetoric back in June. So we’re not in much better shape than the USA. I think Canada could get real crowded!

  2. I’m… sorry? Is it alright to be sorry? Because somehow it feels like that’s not enough. This grief is deeper.
    I wanted to virtually party with you today, but I’ll settle for a virtual hug and good vibes your way.

  3. Cassie, you know how I feel. Can I recover from this ? I don’t know. I feel I’ve not done enough. I held back on my thoughts on my blog. My parents ask… what is there to thank for on Thanksgiving Day ? My mother eyes are swollen from crying. I’m catatonic.

    • I spoke with my HQ organizer today and she thanked me for the work I put in and stepping up to do whatever was asked of me, even when I was uncomfortable doing it–like walking around in a sketchy neighborhood between 6 and 8 last night making sure people had gotten out and voted. Like her mother said last night, we did what we can to make history and we do it again in two years.

      I’m gonna be there.

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