Twenty-four hours can see a big change…
Yesterday about this time I was really up and feeling good. It was sunny, life seemed good. Last night, however, I started falling into another of my depressions while out enjoying a bout with teammates and by the time I was home I was ready to chuck it all over the balcony–myself included.
So I made a comment on Facebook about this. I got a lot of sympathy–and one comment from someone who I respect a great deal. Her comment was to stop letting depression define me because I was allowing it to happen and that I should “bone the fuck up” and move forward.
And it did snap my ass back into shape.
A lot of shit that’s happened to me since the end of last year has been me letting depression get the better of me. I know the signs, I know what this can do to me, and, in the past, I’ve told it to fuck off and been successful. And I’ve admitted, on more than one occasion, that my pursuit of my 27/5 has been fucking up my life something tremendously.
This morning I work up in a better mood and I’m ignoring the time change last night and just going with the fact it’s almost 11:00 right now. It’s bright and cloudless outside and I’m going skating in a few hours, because that’s what I do on Sunday.
Oh, and I laid out a new chapter–
This is the scene that’s been bugging me for a while and since I’m hearing from people who’d like to see something out of me, I’ve decided to skip out of what I was working on and move ahead–leaving the linear progression of the novel behind and getting a few chapters that I want to write. And in doing so I hope it kicks loose whatever the hell is holding me back and that allows me to get back to writing.
‘Cause since I have the time I damn well should.
Not only has this scene–Annie’s and Kerry’s second vision–been bugging the hell out of me, but I was running it over in my head before setting it up in the time line and then laying out the chapter here. I know what happens in every scene because I’ve already thought this out, so there’s no remaining mystery for me. All that remains is for me to get to writing–something I expect to do tonight after dinner since I have nothing on tap once I return from skating and I’ll have a lot of free time up until The Walking Dead comes on.
And what happens after this? Well, I’ve had a require to show Kerry heading off with Annie to Pamporovo for Yule and it’s likely I’ll write that. Some also want to see The Polar Express, but you need the Girl’s Weekend Away before you get to The Polar Express because… you do. I know this sucker: you don’t. And that’s how it plays out.
And if I can get all that down then I really want to get to Annie’s introduction to derby, ’cause yeah, I know how that shit plays out as well.
Right now I feel good, I feel bright, I feel… almost happy. Does this mean I’m back to writing full-time after nearly a month off and two months of just sort of pecking at my work? We’ll see ’cause right now I can’t say.
But as Liz Smith once said:
“We try to live responsible logical lives, but we can’t tell our hearts what to feel. Sometimes our hearts lead us to places we never thought we wanted to go, and sometimes our hearts can be the sweetest gentlest things we have. Sometimes our hearts can make us feel miserable anger, excited and confused all at once. But at least my heart is open, and I’m writing again. I’m feeling. I’m breathing.”
Right now that’s good enough for me.